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Drunk Survival Tips

Posted by on 8/30/2012 to Survival Humor

Drunk? In a survival situation? If you said yes to at least both of 
Surviving while drunk
these questions then read on!
(Keep reading even if you said "No")

So you're drunk and stuck in a dilemma of some sort. Your survival is on the line but the alcohol just can't leave the system quick enough. Everything you know about survival has changed with the new variable, which is that you are now extremely stupid and clumsy. 

The only way to write a guide on drunken survival is to be in the right frame of mind... so bottoms up!

An hour later....

Hey folks, glad you survived this long. I am now in a drunk state of mind, which is the best way to teach you about drunk survival. I have hired a typist to avoid spelling mistakes, but I sense he too has had a few drinks. Regardless, here is my survival guide for you fellow drunk bastards.

Rule Number 1 - Like all survival situations, your'e gonna need the right tools. A knife is often proclaimed as the most important survival tool, other than rope, which sounds too dangerous to mess with in this state. Logically, since our dexterity is compromised we're going to need a bigger knife. A standard survival knife won't do, I would recommend a large machete. This way when you need to carve a sandwich out of wood you don't have to worry about handling a tiny little pocket knife.

Rule Number 2 - Hypothermia is the number one killer! You have to stay warm. Luckily, since we're drunk, I feel warm in any condition so I don't think we need to worry about that till we sober up. Once that happens, we no longer apply drunk survival strategies anyway, so moving on...

Rule Number 3 - Protection from wild animals. Wild bears, wolves, honey badgers, dingos (if you're in Australia) and other beasts are serious threats in a survival situation. And don't think just because you're inside that you're safe from these dangerous predators. The best way to handle an encounter is to appear big and threatening. The further away you are from the animal, the smaller you appear. This is not good, the animal will think you are tiny and weak like their prey. You must quickly get right in their face, as close to their eyes as possible to appear larger than normal. You should also try to blend in and become the alpha male of their species. Mimic their sounds and actions, mounting the animal is a sign of dominance and they will likely leave you alone if you can do that. That's why my neighbor doesn't complain anymore about mowing the lawn when I come home from the bar.

Rule Number 4 - Signaling for help. There are lots of ways to signal to potential rescuers. Bright colored displays, fire and smoke, light signals, and loud sounds are a few examples. Practically anything can double as a signaling device. A dinner plate for example, is excellent for getting someone to notice you. Simply launch the plate in the general direction of your potential rescuer, if they don't respond you may need to continue launching objects as close to their line of sight as possible, until they recognize your distress.

Rule Number 5 - Staying hydrated. So you've been up all night and there seems to be a problem. First, you can't stop peeing because of all the drinking that led to this mess to begin with. Secondly, you're extremely thirsty and dehydration is a real threat to your survival. Hmm, it seems that problem 1 solves problem 2... You know what I'm getting at, Bear Grylls and Mykel Hawke did it. Just boil your piss and filter it through a sock or something before you drink it.

Rule Number 6 - Finding food. I'm hungry so be right back... 

Ok sorry, so finding food is essential to survival if you wish to properly recover the next day. Apparently, about 90% of all plants are not safe to eat. So I guess just eat 10% of whatever you find and you should be ok.

Rule Number 7 - Navigating yourself back to safety. There's an old saying about this philosophy. "Buzzed driving IS drunk driving". So never try to navigate your way home under these conditions. Instead, do what Gretel and Han Solo did which is leave a trail of litter from one establishment to the next. That way you can retrace your path and end up where you started.

Rule Number 8 - Starting a fire. We all know fires provide many benefits when it comes to survival. It can be absolutely life saving. There are simple ways to start a fire and there are very difficult ways to start a fire. I'm going to teach you the really hard way. 

Step 1 - you're going to need improvised cordage, a flexible but strong stick that measures around 2 feet in length, a knife, a rock or flat piece of wood, some C4, a magnifying glass, block of ice, reflective tin foil, and a pile of semi decayed animal fur. 

Step 2 - make a bow and arrow with the stick and cordage.

Step 3 - place the tin foil on the rock/wood, then place the animal fur on the foil, then place the C4 on the animal fur. Hold the magnifying glass over the tinder pile you have created and also place the ice cube on top of the magnifying glass.

Step 4 - Cock and aim the bow and arrow directly at the tinder pile, making sure your arrow head is made of flint to ignite a spark. Release your grip and just as the pile ignites, throw a can of soda at it.

After you have effectively ignited your tinder, check to see if you already prepared sufficient kindling and fuel. Otherwise you will have to start over.

Alternatives: Hold a lighter under some leaves for a few seconds.

At this point of your survival situation, all you have to do is wait it out! Using these simple techniques and strategies you should make it through any drunk wilderness scenario you can imagine, except for extreme circumstances like desert and arctic conditions. Stay tuned for tips on drunk survival: Over the Open Waters!

Disclaimers: Sad day when I have to officially state that this post is entirely fictional and you shouldn't try anything I actually said... :(   Also, check out some cool symbols I can make... Ø Ç ð Œ € ‰ ² ³ ¶ æ ¤
Blog Comments
Ryan Date 10/25/2012
Great article! Might come in handy one day (although i hope it doesnt)
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